Even when it was surreal that I was having a child, God knew exactly who she was and who she would be. He loved her with a love so strong. He told me five years before her birth that I would have a child like her. I was talking to a friend about his desire to adopt or have a child with Down Syndrome. I told him I did not know what I would do in that situation. I felt unprepared. God began to tell me His plans. The conversation was something like this:
This is my desire for you
No, God you're crazy. I can't do that.
I am
I don't get it.
I started to ignore Him, but I don't think He had much more to say on the subject. His point was clear. I was going to be the mom of a child who would be considered special needs. This did not effect me. I did not think it was actually going to happen.
That was until I kept meeting people who were different from me. I'm not saying that they were all people with special needs, but I do know God was opening my heart to love all kinds of people. Often, these individuals were really just misunderstood people that many others brushed off. I remember a coworker of mine once told me that I attracted the most "interesting" people. I think he might have been relieved they always came to me for help, but I didn't mind. I had the coolest, weirdest, most interesting conversations with strangers and friends.
I fell in love with the idea of having a child who would be different from me too. They would be uninhibited by certain social norms (now, I'm not saying this will always be easy/good), love things that I often overlook and love people deeper than I can possibly love.
When my husband and I were dating, I told him that I was sure God was going to give me a child with special needs. I did not know what the diagnosis would be, but I was sure God had told me it was going to happen. You know what he said?! Ok. He wanted the same things I did! How great is that! So, we prepared our minds in prayer and conversation on the subject. Our hearts were aligned. In fact, one of the things that attracted me to this man was his kind heart toward people who were often misunderstood by others around us.
We had talked about adopting special needs one day, but I insisted we were going to have a biological child with special needs. It still felt unreal and I wanted it so badly that sometimes I thought I was just making up God's desire for me to have a child with special needs. Articles and information about special needs people kept surfacing and we were constantly learning more about this life God had planned for us.
When we found out we were pregnant two months after we got married. I was so distracted thinking about how unprepared we were to have a child that I did not even think about this desire again until the end of my pregnancy. Now, I am the mother of a lovely little girl who happens to have down syndrome. I wouldn't change that for anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment